Hard Times

I know, I posted something almost three weeks ago revealing all of these wonderful plans I had to "manage my time" and make glamorous posts about how awesome I am at just about everything there is to be awesome at in life. Well, guess what? Those posts never came. Not because I didn't do my best every single day to meet those lofty goals and objectives I set for myself, but because I have a serious problem. Despite trying really, really hard for the past month, I've done nothing but disappoint myself. Everything I've done feels sub-par and glossed over.

I'm upset about every piece of produce that spoiled in the veggie crisper because I simply forgot it was there. I'm annoyed about each time I forgot to update the NICU census with the newest feed schedule and was forced to admit, "It's really 25ml every 3 hours, not 20ml", and watch everyone scribble in the correction. I'm mocked by the misaligned pattern on the hat I knitted for my daughter that I just "let slide" because I was too tired to rip out the seam and start over. I'm sick over the nights that I fell asleep 15 minutes after the baby and lost the only alone time I had with my husband. And finally, I'm embarrassed that the one family function I had the time to attend was punctuated by my arrival with the simplest dessert known to man that I presented in Gladware.

To a normal person, none of those things would matter much. But to me, they all stand out in my mind the way my daugther stands out in a crowd when her Daddy dresses her (my attempt at humor in an otherwise depressing post).

No, this isn't a bid for people to reassure me that I "did a good job." Deep down I know I did everything I could to be the best mom, best wife, and best resident I could be, but it's just part of me to always be a little underwhelmed by myself. That's just how I am and I needed a place to vent my frustrations. Honestly, I think I feel a little bit better now.