Working Mom

Hearing many of my friends' stories about going back to work after maternity leave got me thinking and remembering my own experience. As much as I missed working and feeling academically challenged, I felt like a big chunk of my heart was gone when I stepped out the front door on July 1st knowing it would be at least 9 hours before I got to see my little bug again. All new moms go through it - and it stinks for all of us. Here was my experience:

The first of July is an infamous day in medicine - it is the day that every field of medicine is flooded with brand new MDs. As I only finished the first 9 months of my residency prior to bug's birth, I would be an "experienced" intern in a sea of confusion when I returned. I knew this was the plan as the days of my maternity leave slipped away and it didn't make me feel any better about my impending return. The learning curve would inevitably lengthen my hours even more. And then, in the blink of an eye, the day was upon me. This is what my very first day back looked like:

4:45: I woke up, suppressed my tears, took a shower, and got dressed
5:30: I prepared bag lunches for myself and my husband. Each time I opened the fridge I mournfully checked the row of painstakingly pumped bottles of breast milk lined up. This would be the first time my bug would go longer than two feeds without nursing since she was born. The tears began to fall.
5:45: I woke my bug, changed her diaper, dressed her, and fed her. Longing to keep her close, I let her nurse for as long as I could before I had to leave the house.
6:15: I placed my precious little sleeping bug into her bassinet, gathered my belongings, and did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - got in the car and drove away from her.
7:00 - 5:00pm: Torture. Relief. Happiness? I couldn't think of her without tearing up. What was she doing? Was she eating? Was she missing me? I refused to let myself call home as I feared I would leave the hospital and get fired if I heard her crying. As the day wore on, I was suddenly struck with a new feeling, relief. I was doing it! Each hour I was closer to seeing her little face again, but for now, I was engaging the part of myself that I had put to sleep for 3 months. I was treating patients, being part of a team, and learning. Was part of myself happy while the other part wept? I was confused.

And then, she was in my arms again. Just like that, one of the longest days of my life was over. I would be repeating the ritual daily for the rest of the month (more on that later), but no other day would be that monumental. As silly as it sounds, that was the day I went from being a mom to becoming a working mom. And, on reflection almost a year later, I can truly say that I love that title and worked just as hard to earn it as I did to earn my MD.